Stefanie Edwards Marketing Coach

When you want someone to share your feelings

when you want someone else to feel the way you do

Your feelings are powerful indicators of your thoughts.

Why? Because your thoughts create your feelings.

We will as individuals, as human beings with free will, we will experience different independent thoughts from each other which yields us different results in how we feel about things. And that’s okay. 

But sometimes we come to a point where we are feeling a certain way and somebody else who is experiencing this situation, the circumstance with us, is not feeling the same way about it.  

Maybe you’re really on board your super excited to make this next leap. and your partner is not feeling it right. Or on the other hand you’re really upset about something and somebody special in your life is like, “Hmm, I just don’t see it that way,” and that causes a rift because you’re wanting them to feel and experience that in the same way you are so you guys can go through that together. 

We don’t want to be alone in this we want somebody else to join us. What’s that saying, “Misery loves company” but the thing is is we each get to experience this and feel it in different ways.

I remember a time early in our marriage at another house where my husband for whatever reason (he still won’t give me a reason) went out and completely destroyed and tore out a huge, I mean a mammoth hydrangea bush on the side of the house that was in no way obstructing his view.  I was irrate. He was thinking “Whoo-hoo, I did a great job” but I was so livid.  I loved that bush. I thought it was beautiful.  I thought it added character to the house. 

Now it’s the same situation but we had very different thoughts and thus we had very different feelings and we were no where in agreement and being able to align those. That’s been like 17 years ago. You can still see how that comes up for me, but we didn’t agree and we didn’t align on that. So how do we move forward from there? 

How do you address what’s going on when you are going through something with somebody who means something to you? 

You don’t want to be in a disagreement with them, right? But you are feeling it one way and they are feeling it another and that is really powerful when you get into that situation because that’s where some people can get to a point where they’re like, you know, this is just too big and I’m not going to change, your not going to change, so we just can’t be friends anymore.

You need to get to a point where you’re able to look at your feelings.

Whatever they are that are coming up acknowledge where they’re coming from.

Okay, that’s your thoughts. But what were you thinking about them that led you to feel this way? And then determine how you want to experience those? That’s totally your call. You get to make that decision however you want. 

If you want to be upset about something, you want to feel sorrow over it, you want to be delighted over it. Whatever it is that comes up, totally your decision, but when it comes to how you’re going to interact with somebody else somebody who means something to you or a co-worker, how are you going to have that disagreement about that when you feel one way and they feel another?

I want to give you a couple of ideas to consider for how to approach this situation. Fair enough?

First and foremost know this: Just like you have that free will to make that decision about what you are thinking and ultimately what you are feeling.

That is the same truth for that other person.

So you trying to impose your view your feelings onto them is stifling their free will.

So acknowledge that they have the independence just like you do to come at this and feel however they want to feel. 

And secondly, if they disagree with you, let’s look at what that means for you.

Why does it matter for you that they should feel the same way you do?

Back to that hydrangea bush, I was so upset because I thought it was a destruction of something beautiful. Why would he destroy that when there’s no logical reason? It wasn’t obstructing anything or causing a problem. So why in the world would he tear it out? It just logically didn’t even make sense to me. And so I wanted him to be as upset about it as me because I thought he had made a completely incoherent decision and I wanted him to own up for that and be able to process that with me. But he didn’t see it that way and because of that we had we obviously have a big tiff about it.

He didn’t know acknowledge why he did it. So that was super frustrating for me to have to come at this point be like, “I don’t understand and I want to understand things. That’s my personality. So I don’t get to have a reason?”

How am I going to process this? How am I going to deal with this? 

And I had to get to a point where I had to consider if this relationship matters more to me or the hydrangea bush matters more to me? That’s where I had to get to.

You can see how I had to work to reframe that in my mind to get to the point where if that relationship mattered more than the circumstance, and if we could just come at it and just have different opinions. Those feelings, those are our’s to experience as individuals, but when we have to be in a relationship, when you need to come to terms with somebody else, you need to look at what its meaning for you, why it matters to you that you want them to feel a certain way, and then come to the decision. 

Are willing to have that battle or you’re willing to let it go?

Allowing that they can feel it their way and you can still find some common ground that you can express and share on. 

This is my personal perspective on this, but I think a lot of us need to work on coming to the point where we find common ground with other people. Far too often, especially given social media and how easily it is to put our feelings and share and express our viewpoints on life we attack other people for not sharing the same viewpoints.

Yet we all come at it from our own worldview. We all are crafted and raised differently. We go thru education differently. We experience different life experiences, right? 

We have all the things that make us who we are and impact how we see the world. And how we experience that impacts how we’re going to think and ultimately how we’re going to feel. When we can acknowledge and see that other people don’t always have that same viewpoint.

Often times, there are so many things that I make choices on in life because of my Christian values, because of how I’ve been brought up, because of who I am as a person, because of my conservative viewpoints on life. All these things matter to me, impact the decisions I make, and there are plenty of times that I come across other people who don’t hold onto these same viewpoints and don’t have the same worldview that I do. 

But I don’t want to walk around and be in disagreement with people all the time and have arguments because people don’t feel the things that I feel. I want to be able to find a way to get along with other people to value and listen to other people’s ideas without having to make it mean anything in my life. 

So I just wanted to share that perspective and give you some ideas for looking at things in a way that allows what other people are feeling to exist without having a negative impact on you. 

Because maybe you want to let that go. Not let go of how you’re feeling

but let go of the disagreement that you’re having with somebody else so that you can just go about experiencing your own feelings. 

They can experience their feelings and you guys can still find a common way to celebrate, to get together, to have some shared perspective because together we as individuals all cohabitate and experience this life together.

We are all here at certain times in life for reason.

How can we coexist and find value together? 

A big part of that comes with understanding how we’re feeling and not trying to impose our feelings onto other people. 

Think about that see where that takes you.

Questions for reflection?

Reflect on something that has you upset or emotionally distressed, in which you feel one way about it and someone you care about or work closely with is in disagreement with you.

How is this making you feel that they don’t agree with you?

Why do you wish they would agree with you?

What are you making it mean for yourself that they don’t agree with you?

How do you want to move forward from here?

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