Stefanie Edwards Marketing Coach

Free yourself

Want a new relationship result? Free yourself to think something new

I love the classic hit, Alone Again (Naturally). Gilbert O’Sullivan sings a beautiful melody about being alone again in life. He presents one example after another of heartbreak and sadness to explain his position on life, that he is all alone, we are all alone in life. I have always liked the sound of the song, but as I have often wondered if I should keep this song on my playlist. It’s so depressing and I don’t agree with his worldview at all. But then I enjoy the sound of it and decide that it will serve as a reminder of what I don’t want my perspective to become in life.

You see the lesson here is that: 

Thinking that a new relationship will end up having the same experience, the same result, only happens if you insist on having the same thoughts.

Sometimes we have an experience in life that messes with our mind. It leaves a bad taste in our mouths. Leaves us wondering if we will ever be able to have success. 

There have been plenty of songs written about yet another breakup. Wondering if love will ever be possible. As good as the songs can sound, the message doesn’t serve us. 

If we wonder, “Will I ever find love?” “Why can’t I find a partner who is faithful, kind, thoughtful, whatever”…we end up limiting our ability to see an alternative. 

You cannot see another way of having a relationship if you are not willing to think there is another opportunity out there. 

If you think, “Well that’s just more evidence that all men lie.” Or “Ugh, why are men such losers. They are so self-centered.” 

Because you think this, your brain will continually show you the evidence to support your thought. Why? Because that’s all you can consider is possible given your current thoughts. 

When someone has a loving relationship with stability and harmony, they tend to think that is possible – because they have the evidence of it in their life. They also see it as possible for other people because they know it exists. 

You have to be willing to change your thoughts if you want an alternative outcome.

Thinking that a new relationship will end up having the same experience, the same result, only happens if you insist on having the same thoughts. 

Let’s say you start a new relationship and at first it is going strong and you are feeling great, but then he does something that triggers feelings from a past relationship. Maybe from multiple past experiences. And now you think, “Oh here we go again.” 

With a thought like that you are dooming your new relationship before he, or you together, have a chance to even discover if this could work. Just because he has a similar reaction or behavior to someone in the past, does not mean that he will necessarily turn out to be just like that past relationship. But if you believe that it will, then without a doubt that is most likely what will happen. 

You will prove yourself right. But all you are proving is your thought. You are not actually giving him an opportunity to prove his worthy. You are just casting him into a type, assigning him a value based on a past relationship, and witnessing it all come crashing down again, just like you knew it would. 

Occasionally you might get a fighter who wants to challenge you and calls you out on not giving him an opportunity. But that would require that he can see past his own thoughts. 

I was grateful that in dating my husband he called me out on a particular behavior I had that unbeknownst to me, I had picked up from how my past boyfriend treated me. Because he had been self-centered and emotionally distant, I ended up responding to my new boyfriend in the same guarded manner because I was afraid of getting hurt. Thankfully, he called me out on it early. Not rudely. He was actually really kind about it because he had been hurt that I would never initiate a call to him. But I had learned in the past relationship to never initiate the call or I’d get yelled at. His invitation that he welcomed that was so eye opening to me. It changed the wya I thought about our relationship and helped me question other things, which in the end led to us having a much stronger and much more loving relationship that ended in marriage. 

Do you see how that was just my thought guiding my beliefs and my actions in the new relationship? 

Are you doing something similar in yours that is holding you back from experiencing more? 

Keep in mind that this principle applies to a romantic relationship as much as friendship and family dynamics. It is also applicable in relationships with co-workers and managers, etc. We have to learn to objectively see each relationship in its own light instead of casting a shadow on it from the past. 

The past does not have to dictate the future unless you allow your thoughts to guide that direction. 

Thinking that a new relationship will end up having the same experience, the same result, only happens if you insist on having the same thoughts.

Change your thoughts, change the possibilities.

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Hear the song, Alone Again (Naturally):